Monday, December 10, 2007


Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, you can't win? I felt like that this past weekend.

So my whole life, my mother has always told me to focus on school, and not to worry about finding a boyfriend. And if I ever express interest in a guy, she tells me not to get my hopes up. Then, Saturday, she calls me, and tells me she found this boy for me. I felt so defeated. I felt like my mother has no confidence in me making my own decisions. That she decided to find someone for me, because I'm too incompetent to find someone myself.

It wouldn't be so bad, except everyone else I know tries to set me up too. Constantly, people tell me that they'll find me someone. And if people aren't doing that, they are yelling at me, telling me that I should give boys a chance, that I shouldn't be picky.

I feel like no one has confidence in me, in my ability to make decisions. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to hurl something. A few years ago, I decided what I wanted, and I've been sticking to the plan. And it upsets me when people try to tell me the plan isn't working; when they insinuate that I should forget the plan, and just hook-up with the first guy who asks. It makes me feel worthless--like people don't believe I'm good enough to be with someone worthwhile--that they think I should jump at any chance I get because I'm not going to get many chances.

Frankly, I don't believe them. I believe that I am a fabulous person, who deserves the very best. And I'm going to wait for the very best. Even if everyone around me thinks I'm freakin old, and should just make out with someone already.

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