Thursday, November 17, 2005

Mind numb


I am re-writing my paper for my crim-law class, and my mind is going numb. I am listening to virgin radio, but I still feel the great need to put my head down on the desk and sleep.

Which is odd, since I can't sleep at night. I wake up several times during the night, and I usually have to read a book until I fall asleep, otherwise I just lie there. SIGH. It is so depressing not being able to enjoy sleeping. I used to love sleeping. I would wake up and feel the warmth of my perfectly semetrical sheets and blankets surround me. Sunlight would be softly filtering throught the blinds above my bed, and I could hear my family in the kitchen wandering around and having breakfast.

Now I wake up, and I think about all the stuff I have to do, and I feel like throwing up. Sometimes my throat closes up, which is an interesting development in that my panic attacks are not nearly so noticable to other people. I used to gasp for breath, and now my throat closes up. Hmmm . . . I hope the gasping doesn't start again, that was kind of embarrassing, especially when it happened at school. Kristi used to get really freaked out about them. They were rather stress relieving, though. My throat closing up is not stress relieving. It just makes me want to cry.

On the plus side, I'm not the only one in my class who is stressed out. In fact, I think most of the people in my class are very stressed out. Conversations before class are constantly littered with things like "Yesterday I had a nervous breakdown" and "I just broke down and cried" and "When I wake up I think about my life, and I just get depressed". Today in contacts my professor gave us a pep talk. She told us that just about now everybody gets very stressed out- and if we feel that way we're right on schedule. She also told us we don't have to start our outlines just yet- which perked me up- because I haven't started mine, and I was beginning to get a bit stressed about that since people keep on talking about theirs. These are the people who started their outlines 3 weeks into the semester- which I considered excessive, since your outline is suppossed to help you study for your final.

On a semi plus side I think being stressed out makes you lose weight. This would mean that I would lose weight, except that I keep on eating cake and ice cream, which makes sense when I found out that high sugar food is necessary in times of stress. I have eaten almost all of a tub of icecream in the last 2 days- which is a little slow for me.

I have started reading Ivanhoe by Sir Walter Scott. AWESOME BOOK!! Anyone who says its boring seriously needs to get their brain checked. It is really fascinating, plus it has the very noble, very attractive Ivanhoe who loves the beautiful, honorable Ronowe- and I read the back of the book and apparently eventually they end up together. I am very excited about this fact. The book also has Robin Hood in it- which can only be a plus. Sadly, Mais Marian has made no apparence, but one can only hope. I don't know about everyone else- but I get really excited when people find their true loves. Its one of the reasons I love Harry Potter 6 so much. It was so wonderful, how everyone kept on finding people to love. I don't know about everyone else- but I feel sorry for Snape, since he never had anyone to love or love him- even his parents didn't really love him (possibly disputable in the case of his mother- though if she really loved him she would have left her horrible abusive husband, or sent him somewhere safe.) Personally I think Snape loves Narcissa Malfoy (Draco's mother- which would be one very good explanation as to why he likes Draco so much.) Can't you just see it- he's loved her from afar, unable to ever requite her love because she married her jerk of a husband. And now that he's in jail, they still can't be together- because she's still married- and despite being a death eater, she's honorable. (Personally I like Narcissa- I feel she's got caught up in the death-eater cause, not because she reallt wants too- but because she was forced to.)Poor Snape, he has his very dirty, run-down house he grew up in (must be full of pleasant memories) and nothing else. And then he got saddled with his childhood enemy. I don't think he every really grew up- he's still full of the emotions that he felt as a teenager- he never really managed to move past them, like he should, like normal people do. Kind of like Sirius, but Sirius was in jail, so he has a good excuse.

Ah- my brain is less numb now- so I better go back to writting my paper.

6 days until Rachel gets here!!

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